What I Did Today

 Monday chez moi:

2.15 a.m : woken by the chuffin’ dog who wanted to go out for a pee. Went back to bed and did box breathing to help me go back to sleep. This did not happen immediately.

5. 20 a.m : woken by aroma of cat poo thanks to the chuffin’ cat availing himself of his litter tray. I’ve spent three weeks conducting a strategic operation to move the chuffin’ cat’s litter tray away from the landing and into the front bedroom so I’m not woken by his nocturnal diggings and scufflings, and whilst I’m no longer disturbed by cat litter sounds, the aroma still permeates. 

5.25 a.m : got up to dispose of cat poo because chuffin’ dog had decided it was a nice early morning snack 🤢. Returned to bed.

5.45 a.m : got up again to use the loo myself because all the in and out of bed malarkey had suggested to my poor body that it was time to get up and what’s the first thing we do when we get up? Returned to bed. 

6.30 a.m : gave up trying to sleep. Got up, fed cat, got dressed, went downstairs, made breakfast, made ginger tea, put away the washing up from last night, ate breakfast whilst doing some word puzzles and reading the newspaper which didn’t take long because I am heartily fed up with reading about mad presidents, wars, riots, invasions, politics, murders, cyber-attacks and death by AI. 

7.30 a.m : checked emails, bank account, diary. Cleaned teeth, pushed face upwards and applied various creams and foundation in attempt to cling onto youth. Arranged hair which immediately rearranged itself according to its natural whims and fancies.

7.45 a.m : made fish pie for Lord Malarkey’s dinner this evening.

8.10 a.m: vacuumed upstairs and downstairs. And the stairs. Watered the house plants and picked off any dead bits. 

8.35 a.m: cleaned the insides of the windows because the window cleaner was due and there’s no point in having clean windows outside if the insides are covered in snotty dog and cat nose wipings, and splats where I went mad with the fly swat last week. 

9.00 a.m: made shopping list. Stripped bedding and put load in washing machine. Sorted out second load of washing for later. Did washing up. Had brief text conversation with my brother about the terrible spelling and grammar used in spam emails.

9.45 a.m: took chuffin’ dog for a walk. 

11.05 a.m : washed mucky feet and undercarriage of chuffin’ dog, put first load of washing on line, put second load in machine. Picked apples, cored them, chopped them, cooked them down a little bit ready for freezing. Made a cup of tea. Watched a couple of episodes of ‘Ghosts’ to alleviate boredom whilst coring and chopping loads of apples. 

12.20 p.m : put second load of washing on line. Made lunch - broccoli, pea and nutmeg soup with cheese oatcakes, and a banana. Watched ‘Bargain Hunt.’ Did washing up. Paid window cleaner.

1.10 p.m : went to supermarket and did a big shop. Appalled at all the Christmas stuff on display and the fact that supermarket had rearranged 80% of their goods so it took ages to find anything. Came home, put shopping away.

1.45 p.m: proved my identity using the link to an app sent by the managers of Auntie Pollie’s off-shore mafia account because the two previous times I’ve proved my identity in connection to my being an executor of the Will weren’t, apparently, good enough. I followed instructions given by app but was startled by the moment when a ‘live’ video photo was taken and I think I probably looked like this: 

…which looks nothing like the photo on my driving licence which I’d also provided. Ah well. Called cousin Richard (my co-executor) to let him know I’d proved who I was AGAIN and to warn him about the potential of being startled when he did his own identification process. We had a chat about my mum, and the very nice shirt he was wearing (3 for £50, apparently.)

2.05 p.m : checked washing and brought in what was dry which wasn’t much. Put seven boxes of semi-cooked apple in freezer. Emptied kitchen food waste bin into compost bin. Watered primula seedlings in greenhouse and picked some of last tomatoes. 

2.45 p.m : remade bed. Put washing in tumble drier to finish drying because it was starting to feel decidedly damp outside. 

3 p.m : made a cup of tea. Actually sat down to drink it. Researched hot chocolate makers and Highland cow footstools. Especially the ones from Tweed Yourself, which is in Scotland and who are purveyors of superior Highland cow footstools. But not hot chocolate makers. 

3.30 p.m: retrieved washing from tumble drier. Did ironing. Put ironing away. Climbed onto laundry roof to retrieve chuffin’ cat. He’s never been up there before and he needs to stop that sort of behaviour immediately. Did some knitting. 

4.10 p.m: Fed chuffin’ cat. He is packing away a lot of food at the moment. Laying down stores for Winter, I reckon. Added a bit to the Much Malarkey Manor Christmas Story Official Planning Notes. There is a new character this year called Sir Julian Gaudyville-Theatre. Kenneth the Phantomime is LIVID. 

4.50 p.m : fed the chuffin’ dog. Read a bit of a magazine. 

5.25 p.m: had some toast with Marmite, red pepper hummus and tomatoes, but not all on the same slice. Watched the end of ‘Pointless’ and made another cup of tea. Decided that now I was sitting down, I wasn’t going to get up for a while. Chuffin’ dog immediately decided she needed to go out for a pee. 

6.30 p.m : long text discussion with my brother regarding our mother’s mentioning that perhaps a tot of whiskey would help her sleep better. This is a habit she got into waaaaay before her accident. According to my brother, her idea of a ‘tot’ is a treble plus a bit more. This is NOT good. I said mum had informed me only last week that she was NOT going to start on the whiskey again because she didn’t want it to make her unsteady on her legs. It seems she has immediately changed her mind. Therefore, we played ‘good cop/bad cop’ again, pointing out to her that drinking that much whiskey would raise her blood pressure and wasn’t it GOOD that she was currently OFF blood pressure medication. We said we weren’t against her having the occasional whiskey but NOT every night. We said a milky hot drink would be better and would help her sleep because milk has tryptophan in it. She could have a hot chocolate, maybe, or Horlicks? We shall see. I have been teetotal all my life, and therefore, mum is likely to take my advice with a pinch of salt because what do I know about the comforts of alcohol?? My brother got to be ‘bad cop’ this time. 

7 p.m : more knitting. Some blog writing. Put Lord M’s dinner in to cook.

7.50 p.m: Fed Lord M. Did washing up. Time for shower and hair wash. Maybe more knitting.

That’s it. I shall be in bed by ten. The thing is, what shall I do for excitement for the rest of the week?