The Poo Offensive

 I didn’t intend to, but yesterday I went on the offensive regarding, coincidentally, things to do with poo.

Firstly, the bins in my local village are overflowing. Two of them are poo bins for the depositing of dog poo bags. And one of them is a litter bin which, because the dog poo bins are full, has also become a receptacle for poo bags. I pass these three bins a few times a week when Nell (also a Poo) and I go for our canal walk. They’ve become worse, to the point that one now has deposits being left on the ground beneath it. I present evidence, m’lud, with Nell looking suitably revolted…

The problem with this particular bin, which is on the canal, is that now boating season is here, the fair-weather tourist-type boaters are putting other stuff in it, like drinks cans, which take up more space than a squishy poo bag (soz) so it filled up quicker than it would do during the non-boating season i.e Winter, when no one in their right mind would spend time on a wind-tunnel freezing canal. 

Anyway, local dog walkers have been muttering about the state of the poo bins for a while. The bins were always emptied on a regular basis, but now apparently not. And I am finding people mutter to me about it, that they’ve contacted the local council and filled in complaints on FixMyStreet, but to no avail, so they now moan about the lack of action on the council’s part, too.

Yesterday, then, and armed with photographic evidence, I went straight to our local MP. Why mess about with the lower levels of governance when you can go straight to someone higher up, that’s what I say. I emailed, attached various photographs, mentioned something about taking pride in our environment, and for good measure, biohazards. By the end of the day, a reply had arrived from one of the MPs minions saying that the MP was aware of the problem and the response SHE had got from the council (presumably because she is an MP and not a common-or-garden member of the general public) was that there was an issue with the new poo bin contractors who weren’t doing what they were supposed to be doing, but the problem was in hand and would, hopefully, soon be resolved. 

That’s all right then. There was an invitation at the end of the email to contact them again if the situation continued. They might regret that invitation. 

Whilst I was in activist mode, I sent an email to Morrison’s supermarket regarding their six-pack of double length toilet rolls. This item is in their ‘Price Match’ range where they state they match the prices on certain goods in line with supermarkets like Aldi and Lidl. Now, when I was putting the Morrison’s loo rolls away in the cupboard, I thought, hang on, these feel a bit lighter than the Aldi ones. So I weighed a Morrison’s loo roll and an Aldi loo roll (I know, a bit sad, but I was in consumer rights mode by now) and the Morrison’s one was 21g lighter than the Aldi one which, in a pack of six rolls, made the equivalent of a whole toilet roll. Therefore, m’lud, Morrison’s might have matched their pack price BUT for your money you only get five rolls against Aldi’s six when it comes to weight of paper. How about THAT for investigative journalism?? 

I informed Morrison’s that their Price Match scheme was, therefore, misleading and disingenuous, and that it was all rather disappointing, really. 

They haven’t got back to me yet. Probably looking up the word ‘disingenuous’ in the dictionary. If young people use dictionaries these days. 

It’s a lovely sunny Spring day here in England! Suitably fitting for St George’s Day and Shakespeare’s birthday. I shall be out in the garden all day making a start on the grassy, lumpy bumpy wasteland in front of ‘Darling Buds’. I’m still not 100% certain how the space will turn out but before I do anything creative with it, it needs de-grassing and flattening. 

Yesterday afternoon , I was mowing the aforesaid grass and managed to stumble into a hole hidden by the undergrowth. As I was flailing to keep my balance and avoid falling flat on my face, I suddenly shouted, ‘KEEP RUNNING!’ at myself (which was bizarre in itself), so I did, and a falling crisis was thus averted as I hurtled into an upright position! Hurrah! 

Just don’t tell anyone I nearly took a tumble. I’m too young for a zimmer frame…